As you probably gathered from my last post, I’ve been struggling with my faith quite a bit. I’ve really gotten off track, more than ever before. I can’t really explain it. There is no kind of excuse.
But there is a cure, a way out. Or rather, I think, a series of spiritual medicines.
The first and foremost of a spiritual medicines is the sacrament of Confession. I didn’t really want to go. I had to force myself, convince myself of its benefits. I doubted it as much as I’ve been doubting everything, even God.
And then, the exchange between Christ and St. Peter came to me. When all the disciples were leaving Christ after the shocking Bread of Life discourse, Christ turned to the Apostles and asked them, “Will you, also, go?” St. Peter replied, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”
That was all the convincing I needed. I had come to the place where one must choose definitively: shall I stay or shall I go? Where do my loyalties lie? Whom shall I serve?
And so I went. And of course it helped me. How could I ever have doubted that? Perhaps doubt itself provides a valuable shot in the arm, a vaccine against indifference.
That was the first round of treatment, to make me well enough to persue further courses of action.
The main one: daily Mass. This has been the biggest missing puzzle piece in my life for way too long. I have allowed many things to get in my way and distract me. My priorities have been mixed up. I’ve decided that starting tomorrow, I am returning to the 6:30 AM Latin Mass. That shall come first in my day. It doesn’t matter if I have to rearrange my schedule or giveup some activities. It just doesn’t matter! God matters. I know where my loyalty lies and Whom I shall serve.
Other than that, I shall dedicate myself to living by my Lay Dominican rule of life: the Rosary, Divine Office, frequent confession, and wearing the white scapular which is my blessed privilege.
And loving others. I may not be the most socially adept person, but I can always strive to simply treat others as I would want them to treat me. It’s really not complicated. It is all very simple.
Nonetheless, I will need and appreciate prayers for the firmness of my will. I shall pray for you in return, as always.