Life in general has been good, but my spiritual life… it has been quite desolate.  Oh, the effort it takes just to form a simple prayer sometimes.  Words escape me–for me, that is a terrifying experience!  But I know that times like this are beneficial to me. 

They make me realize that I rely on words too much.  The artifice of language.  I have a really hard time being silent–I just want to fill up the silence with words, words, more words!  When I pray, I get distracted with choosing the right words, constantly editing and revising–as if that matters to God, who can read my soul more easily than I can read a simple sentence!  He must get weary of it sometimes… my constant yammering, my constant care for words.

I need to learn how to simply be with Him.  To be still and listen.  To let my soul express itself instead of always trying to say the right things in the right way.  There are things greater than words, and He deserves the best.

Likewise, should He surround me with darkness, I need to learn to be still and place my soul in His hands.  Too often, I run blind instead, go the wrong direction, fall down, get scraped up.  It is very easy to trust God when He makes His presence strongly felt.  But I need to trust Him all the time.

I know all of this intellectually.  I know the benefits.  I know God is near me by virtue of knowing the benefits.  But my soul is struggling, floundering, yearning.  It feels profoundly lonely and helpless. 

But I will try to persevere, counting this time as a gift, a kindness, a treasure.  I will try to hear His voice in the silence and to see His light in the darkness.

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