So… after all my talk yesterday, I didn’t get to go to Mass at all.  Part of it was my fault: I didn’t get up early enough to make it to the TLM in the morning.  I was going to go in the evening, but something else was taking place at the church and it was closed for the day.

As I stood crestfallen outside the church, unable to go inside, I got that feeling.  You probably know the feeling when something happens and you know in all honesty that you had it coming.  You look back on things you’ve done earlier and you realize that you were perched up on a pretty high horse.  My little Ascension Thursday rant struck me, among a variety of other less-than-obedient, less-than-charitable thoughts from the day.

I realized that I’ve  been stewing in discontent for a few days.  And I wasn’t seeing it.  I was getting comfortable with it.  I was even starting to enjoy it.

And the question came to me, “What have I been discontent about?”  And I really didn’t have a good answer.  As I walked back to my car, I thought about fellow Catholics whose churches have been permanently closed.  Catholics who don’t have easy access to churches and priests.  Catholics too ill or otherwise prevented from attending Mass.

And I am discontent?  I’ve got a wonderful parish with a wonderful priest.  I can attend Mass every day.  We have a good bishop.  We have the TLM.

I’m more ashamed now.  And even now my first, knee-jerk reaction is to rebel against it.  But that would only be giving into discontent, and would be more shameful.  Much more shameful than writing all this here for the world to read.

These little moments of humiliation and realization are a gift from God.  Sometimes we need our perspective adjusted.  Sometimes we need to be knocked off our high horses. Sometimes we need to put ourselves in other people’s shoes.  Sometimes we need to appreciate how grateful we should be.

As always, the important question is:  So what will I do now?  How will I make reparation?  I think I’ll keep my mouth shut and obey the bishop and pray the same Divine Office as everybody else in my diocese… and censure my idiot pride when it rails against it all.

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