Mom called first thing this morning and said that Dad was refusing to eat and that delirium was setting in… and that the hospice doctor said he would probably pass within a week.

I am going to the funeral home in my hometown to set up some arrangements.

I will probably go back to Pittsburgh on Thursday.

I am eerily calm about everything.  Maybe it’s shock and numbness.  Maybe it’s weariness.  Maybe it’s the grace of God fortifying me and holding me together.

It’s all rather surreal.  But it’s not a dream.  Oh, if only it were just a dream!

I feel like my life is passing from one shadow to another.  I was finally starting to recover from losing my fiance, Patrick, in April 2005.  And now I am about to lose the most important man in my entire life… Dad… I feel like my wounded heart is bursting open all over again, just when I thought it was healed and whole again.

Oh, why must things happen this way?  I thought we’d have more time together.  I thought I might get at least a few years of a normal, happy life.  I thought my Dad would walk me down the aisle at my wedding someday, and get to know a grandchild or two.  Oh, why couldn’t things have happened that way?

Oh Lord…